11. Doubt

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The last few weeks have been grueling for Ms. Ace and me.
Really hard.

Stress from work -which is Ms. Ace’s reason of living. Stress from Mr. Shiny about to leave university and embark on another episode in his life. Stress from Miss Spacebuns; her school, her well-being and her future. Stress from dog, who is approaching old age and does not look the same.

We don’t look the same. We are old and complex. We have issues. We complain. We bitch on each other and we lose patience too easily.

We drink too much, and we fight.

We don’t drink too much, and we fight. But with less cruelty and snarling.

I am getting tired of all this worthless mayhem, and I want to find a stable, nice little corner of quiet where I can be myself. I want to stop worrying about a persona that I may not be able to deliver consistently.

I want to laugh more with Ms. Ace and maybe even reclaim intimacy and a warm embrace.

I want to look into the future with Ms. Ace with awe, again.

We may still be capable of turning things around. We usually do.
But this time I feel a queasiness I have not felt. A weariness.

A measure of contempt and “I do not give a fuck anymore”.
I think I might be reverting into a kind of Learned Helplessness, and that is not good.

I shall see what’s next.

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