I am so tired.
The last few weeks have been a drain on my energy reserves. It’s been a while since I have felt joy. All I have inside is the drudgery of conflict, losses, loneliness and moments of despair and irritability.
My day to day has become a ritual in boredom and predictability, with a dash of loneliness and a generous serving of failure. I feel empty.
I am in one of those moments in my life where I do not know exactly what to do AND can feel that the next stage ahead will be a challenge.
I hate being in a situation like this.
I can feel it in my weary bald head – I can see it around me. My bones hurt at the thought of this predicament.
I am swimming through an ocean of entropy, and plainly speaking, it brings out the best and the worst in me. It brings out the sheer excitement of riding the tiger with no saddle, of the adrenaline rush of imminent danger and of the possibility of a new twist in my already rich and twisted life.
Like tectonic plates crashing against each other in the core of the Earth, the resulting changes might be unpredictable, solemn and irreversible.
The alternatives I can think at the moment are illegal, immoral or risky to life and limb. Or risky to my life as a family man. And I do not want to let go of my family.
I am losing interest on the things that I enjoy, and I have to force myself to think of ways of overcoming this rough patch without losing my grip on the things that I have built over many years.
This is not the moment to be impulsive or irresponsible.
Chaos is the unifying theme. I am experienced enough to know that the 8-ball is right there, that the abyss is deep and dark, and that I have to move slowly and wisely to prevent being trapped in its shadow.
I do not know what is on the other side.
I do not know if this is worth it.
I do not know if I will like it.
I do not know if I will make it.
I do not know much right now.
Whatever this is, I have to use all my fortitude to fend off the darkness and to find the mechanism for disarming the trap and crawl out of it, so I can carry on and find myself in a clear road with no obstacles ahead.