So we are outside the reach of the long arm of the law.
It has happened before: cigarette smoking, part-time alcoholism, covert gambling and dabbling in recreational drugs -all with potentially disastrous effects for my life and marriage.
I have been an outlaw for a very long time and I am getting tired of it.
Don’t ask me what drives me to be like that. I suppose it’s down to some sense of adventure with self-destructive results.
What drives anyone to self-destruct?
And it’s not fun to be like that, I can tell you. I have lost opportunities and mojo because of it. Being an outlaw takes a lot of time out of my days.
It’s hard work to be an outlaw.
It’s about the temporary override of the brain circuits that gauges risk and reward, vs. morality, honesty and immediate gratification.
Conforming to the societal norm, behaviors that are inexcusable -like sending people to death in Dachau, or invading Ukraine- are suddenly relevant. Behaviors follow societal norms.
I sometimes choose not to follow societal norms and that creates severe problem. I become an Outlaw the moment I make that choice.
I do not want to be an Outlaw. I am tired of that. I would like for once, to be a pacific publican or a harmless prospector character in the Wild West.
I want to be good. Useful. More complete. Happier. Less anxious about the future. Respected.
I do not want cheap, phony, fake, sad, contrived, angry.
I want to use this moment as a moment of surrender. I pledge to put down my pistols and my black hat.
Life can make you useful if you are willing to open your eyes.
I have become victim of myself. My fears; my activities; my obsessions. My dopamine addiction. I am at the cusp of emerging anew, but this moment is always hard.
We -our family- is going thru an upheaval process and there are multitude of risks for the next few months. There is no visibility of our future in a few months from now.
Ms Ace is pursuing a grand new opportunity that might not be for the longest term -she is adamant and optimistic about the chances. She is quite capable of pursuing this project.
I admire that optimism in her, thou. It makes me smile and certainly helps me see her bathed in a special and very loving light. I just love that facet of Ms Ace.
Miss Spacebuns is going thru upheavals too -she has become a grown up young woman. Her period came in in a matter of weeks, and her body is changing. Womanhood is happening full-steam ahead. The help she is getting at the moment seems effective and adequate, and I am very happy for her future.
But adolescence also means irritable and cranky kids with the perpetual animus of fighting and being anxious. We have to support her during this rough patch.
Mr Shiny is in a far-away land, studying hard, entering the workforce and trying to forge his future. He has ideas around academic pursuits and has good friends who can steer him in a solid path of adulthood. I love him dearly – I have seem this man grow from a little seed into a character with a golden heart and firm intention.
This man is a winner.
And there’s me.
The black sheep of the family. The dopamine abuser and outlaw. The cook, chocolatier and wine person. The guy that can use a wrench to fix the water pump, but can’t find a 9-to-5 career opportunity.
Because I like fixing the water pump -I do not like career one bit. I leave that to Ms Ace; as she is naturally gifted and social enough to be a successful career executive.
I do not have her excellent skillset and I am not social at all.
Right now, just not being an outlaw anymore is enough for me. There are a myriad risks and unpleasant moment when you are an outlaw. You lose social standing. You lose face. You lose support. And you lose love and respect.
How many of us have been shackled by a dopamine hit? How many of us gambled the house on zero, only to lose it all?
As a family man you can lose it all in an instant. Not only the present but the future as well and it becomes an unbearable, oppressively heavy thought. It cannot happen.
Losing your family. Becoming alone in advanced middle-age. From outlaw to outcast.
You lost.
That is why I admitted the new year with the premise that I will resign being an outlaw.
I choose life. Effective immediately.