Why would you like to destroy everything this way?
It’s like playing Russian Roulette. Imagine an old Tsarist aristocrat bored with life holding his revolver to his temple, at the same time the Soviet militias storm the White Palace in Saint Petersburg.
I am playing with my life relieve the boredom and anxiety of wasting my life. Ironic.
In the past I have been dishonest to myself and dull my senses with senseless pursuits, alcohol, drugs and weird demonstrations of attention-seeking from a Hypersensitive Narcissist.
Where’s the limits to the rage? Where’s the limit to the shame?
I do not have those answers. I wish I did.
I have not found those limits and I am scared of doing so because finding these limits, by definition, means breaking away with the existing order of things. And I am in fear of this, because I very much like the existing order of things.
It’s just that I sometimes do not realise it.
I am going to try my best to correct and improve, because I want to become better. Just for the sake of it.
Who’s fault it is?
Mine of course.
Perhaps I should be punished because of my many transgressions. Or perhaps, like the Phoenix, I will immolate in flames and be reborn again, clean of sin.